I was lying in the bath earlier contemplating the last six months or so of my life, and I was wondering why I haven't been able to move it on as I'd like.
Certain scenarios have occurred where a fresh outlook has been required, and all it takes would be for me to take that step in to a 'new world' so to speak, but something stops me, I don't know what it is, but something is holding me back and I have no doubt it's costing me in some way, shape or form.
I guess the reason for holding back is that a negative personal experience has effected me more then I have realised, which is strange because I've never really been the sort of person who looks back and feels regret or failure over my chosen path, but this feeling I have is pretty strong and it's definitely something from the past rather then the present or my immediate future.
I remember seeing a film once, I can't remember what it was called or who was in it, but the prominent line in it was "Everything ends badly, or it would never end" and I have to agree with this sentiment, so maybe there is something in the past that's just not sorted out yet and I think I know what it is as well.
Next time an unwanted element from the past appears in my present, for the first time in quite a number of years I'm not going to shrug and just accept that it's here again, I'm going to deal with it, much like this 'invisible barrier' I am feeling in my present, I'm going to knock it down and trample over it, I'm tired of how life is at the moment and it's going to change, even if I have to force it.
Quite an emotional entry as I sit here at 3 am on Sunday morning, It's been quite a tough night, I've been to an Engagement party of a very close friend, I'm overjoyed that they have taken that step towards total commitment to each other, and I sincerely wish them the very best of luck, but I have to say as I looked around that room, I've never felt so alone when surrounded by so many people.