There is a good reason why I wear my "Ipod" when I go shopping, for a start the distasteful music that can be found playing in shopping centres up and down the country, where the only escape (exluding the sanctury of the gents) is to dive in to one of many shops, where I have my ears assaulted further with the latest puerile musical abuse that litters the 'top 40' in this country - "The Top 40", is this possibly the most ironic phrase in this country when we think of music sales?
The "Ipod" serves a more important use, it's there to send a clear message - A clear message that tells the retail shop assistant that I wish to 'browse' in peace, I have no desire to say good morning and engage in pointless babble about how there is some great clothes out at the minute, and judging on their common "funky" dress sense, asking for their help seems a frightening prospect, when it's quite clear they were so ill advised themselves.
The "Ipod" serves as my right to be ignorant towards said member of staff, but in the most inoffensive way, quite often as I approach the retail outlet of my choice I boost the volume on my 'unit' so it's SO loud anyone stood next to or in close proximity to me will be able to tell that if the fire alarm went off, I'd probably continue to 'browse' in blissful ignorance and that shortly I could end up burning to death.
Yet, my "Ipod" blasting out the sort of music that plays on my blog, does not appear to discourage for mentioned retail assistant from attempting 'communication' he or she smiles wide and begins to engage me in what is quite obviously a futile attempt to be my "friend" - latching on to me because they've got programmed tranceivers imbedded in them that tell them I am carrying a gold credit card or a large amount of money of the 'paper' variety. It isn't long though, before a vague look 'falls' over their face, when despite the noise coming from the earphones they've only just cottoned on after 10-12 seconds that I can't hear a single word they are saying. I smile politely as if to say "Don't bother I can't hear you" but much to my dismay, they continue to move their mouths in 'utter silence', all I can hear is 'The Angels', Blink 182, or the Stereophonics and the like - and not the hollow compliments relating to how good my hair looks or where my last pair of shoes came from.
I pull one ear plug out, and unfortunately my friendly "leave me alone" smile has been replaced with a sarcastic "Now try and talk to me" smile.
"Do you need any help at all" I thank them kindly and inform the shop assistant that "I'm just looking", it took alot of going to not ask who's "help" did they enlist when they dressed themselves this morning.
I traipse around the Dartford shopping centre, two hundred quid in my pocket and no idea what to buy - "everything's tat" was my response to a texter, who asked me "how's the shopping going"
As the afternoon wore on, I did manage to part with some money for various things, that I'll come to in a moment, but the final outlet I went in to was USC, now this shop has its good days and bad days, today was a "sort of ok day" for USC, As I walked in to the door I obviously 'tripped' one of the for mentioned transceivers and a helpful retail assistant approached me as if she was on rocket propelled wheels, I vaguely managed to lip read "Can I help you with anything" and obviously not knowing how loud I was speaking due to the sheer volume of my Ipod, I shouted back at her that I was "JUST LOOKING THANKS!".
Within a few minutes I had selected some trendy Diesel trainers that resembled white slippers and I was faced with having to "communicate" with the assistant who was orbiting me like one of Rupert Murdoch’s "Sky" satellites orbiting the planet we reside on, and just like Rupert Murdoch, was equally keen to rip me off.
Hi ya, can I have these in an 8 please, She says "Sure no problem" at the very moment a nice Diesel shirt catches my eye, I hand her the trainer and wanting to get back to browsing in peace I hurriedly stuff the ear plug back in my ear, picking up the shirt at the same time, her final words to me were "You might wanna try that....." the dots represent something but I didn't hear/wasn't interested in what she had to say, it was drowned out by Tom Delonge's dulcet tones and thrashing guitar anyway.
She returned with the trainers and I hurriedly took them off her and sailed towards the counter with the shirt and the trainers, said "no thanks" to the usual extortionate APR store card offer, pointing out that store cards are for skint people - I paid up the amount owing and headed for the car.
What did I come home with:
A new cordless rechargeable mouse - I don't know why, I already have two of them, one is an uncool cable version and the other has flat batteries.
A nice pair of brown shoes - which will go well with a pair of trousers I've got
A pair of diesel trainers that make my feet look like they've been stamped on.
A firetrap t-shirt
An Xbox 360 play and charge kit (required for next week - watch out for relevant blog entry)
And finally a Diesel shirt, which despite being the size I would have bought for any other sort of shirt, feels painfully tight.
I've been sat here for most of the evening thinking about the rest of what the USC shop assistant was trying to say to me, had I of bothered to "hear her out" instead shunning her useless babble by stuffing my ear plug back in my ear - I can't come up with anything really, other then "........on, sometimes they come up a bit small"